What is Emotional Abuse in a Relationship?
Emotional abuse can take many forms. It is a pattern of behaviour where the perpetrator tries to control the decisions, thoughts and behaviours of another person. This could be their partner or even their ex-partner. Domestic abuse is a crime and includes emotional, physical, sexual or financial abuse. All of these forms of abuse are wrong and are not the fault of the victim. All forms of abuse can be perpetrated by people of all genders, races and backgrounds. Men can be abused by other men or women, and women can abuse men or women too. We know that one in four women and one in six to seven men will experience some form of domestic abuse in their lifetime.
In a recent study it was found that nearly a third of women (30.3%) experienced domestic abuse (in their lifetime) since the age of 16. For men, the figure was around one in five (21.7%) (England and Wales, Nov 2024) Womensaid.org.uk
Is my Relationship Emotionally Abusive?
- Are you afraid or your partner? Are they jealous, controlling or take away your freedoms?
- Do they humiliate you and put you down verbally? Do they control you financially?
- Are they trying to control your actions, what you do with your time, or who you see?
- Do they put the blame on you when things go wrong?
- Are they threatening verbally, emotionally, physically to you or others in your home?
Sometimes people do not realise that they have been in an abusive relationship. They may love the person who is abusing them, or they may feel a mixture of love and hate. Victims may have been in the relationship a long time, and so they begin to get used to the negative behaviour. Domestic abusers can be manipulative and can convince their victim that they don’t mean it like that, or that they are going to change. When your feelings are hurt over and over again by someone who is lying and misleading you, it can be hard to trust what is the truth. Many people are scared to speak up, in case the perpetrator gets angry. They may be in fear of what the other person might say or do if they speak up.
If you need support urgently please contact the Police
You can also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0800 200 247
How to Deal with Emotional Abuse
The first step is to recognise that what is happening to you is domestic abuse.
If it does not feel right that’s a clue. You might have asked them to stop and they haven’t. They might promise they won’t do it again, but the patterns are continuing. You might feel a mixture of emotions, but deep down you know that this behaviour is wrong and that this should not be happening.
You deserve to be treated with respect. Once you recognise the emotional abuse, you can start to deal with it. If you are in danger, you need to ensure your safety first and this might include leaving your home to stay somewhere else.
How to Heal from Emotional Abuse
The work I do with my clients is for people who are out of the domestic abuse situation and are now safe. That is the first priority and therapy work can only start once you are safe.
I work with men and women who have experienced abusive relationships and are ready to heal themselves. Most people have a mixture of emotions and may have felt very low because of what they have been through. They may have hit rock bottom, but are now ready to ask for help. I help them talk through what has happened and how they have changed due to their experience. We work though the range of emotions and start to build up their self-esteem.
For some people, they have experienced abuse of some sort in their birth family in their earlier life. They might then also go through this in a romantic relationship.
We work on some or all of the following (and more):
- Self-esteem, self-worth and self-love
- understanding that what has happened was not their fault
- revisit some of the past experiences with a veiw to heal the feelings around it
- how they want to create their life from this point onwards
You can read my case study here of a male client I worked with to help him overcome emotional abuse.
Who You Can Talk To
Here are a list of charities who specialise in this area of work: Women’s Aid Victim Support
Refuge National Domestic Abuse Helpline
If you need support urgently please contact the Police
You can also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0800 200 247
The NHS page on domestic abuse has invaluable information here
